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| Those Eyes |
Parenting is a journey like no other. It can be so rewarding... so fulfilling. It also presents countless opportunities for blunders and regret. These little humans do not come with instructions and if one has multiple children, you quickly learn that each child is wired differently. Parental tactics that work for one may not work on another. To say that parenting is a challenge is a vast understatement.
God has blessed us with five wonderful children who have all successfully made it to adulthood and are all stable, productive citizens. So, that's a win in and of itself. But that is not to imply a totally smooth pathway to their present position in life. Mistakes have been made, both by the children and certainly by the parents who did their best to steer the ship through the times of rough seas.
I should stop at this point and say this... lest you think we were failures in the game of parenthood. I think if you query our kids, each would describe their childhood and upbringing as rather idyllic. We were two loving parents that directed the family with clear purpose and direction. And I think the end product is proof of that. However... if you are anything like me, you can never seem to shake the handful of regrets in parenting that have accumulated over the years. Regrets? I've had a few.
One of the keys to life is to stay under control even when challenging circumstances compel you to sprint over that boundary and as a parent, you have added incentive because you are modeling life for the young eyes that are watching your every move. Parents without self-discipline and control tend to signal tacit approval for the children to act out in similar fashion. The "do as I say and not as I do" parents unwittingly erect more barriers to their parenting path.
I recall a night in which I feel that I lost control. I wish I could forget it but it haunts me.
We were pretty strict with our girls when they reached the age in which the opposite sex started sniffing around. We were also pretty adamant about following rules that we had clearly established. And when violations involving those two elements were to occur, there was a good chance that some fireworks were to follow.
Tara, daughter number two, was in the 8th grade. She had recently moved her bedroom down into the basement. It wasn't as nice as her bedroom upstairs, however, I think it did give her more of a feeling of independence. Sort of like her own apartment.
As a child, Tara was a talker. As an adult in 2025, Tara remains... a talker. So that basement phone got a lot of use! Occasional spot checks of the 10PM rule showed that she was following the rules. Not a surprise as she was pretty good about following rules. I said "pretty good," not perfect. This was about the age when the boys really started to take notice of Tara and we had to buckle down a couple times after some minor slip ups.
One night, long after I had gone to bed and fallen asleep, I woke up. I don't remember what time it was but it was well after 10PM. I'm not sure what prompted me, maybe it was just one of those daddy audits, but I picked up the receiver in our bedroom and put it to my ear... thinking (and hoping) to hear the dial tone. What I heard was much worse... the evil, demonic voice of a preadolescent boy, followed by two quick clicks!
I was hot! This wasn't a borderline violation of our clearly stated rules, this was a blatant, "I know I'm doing wrong and I hope I don't get caught" World Series of Poker gamble!
When I got downstairs and turned on the light, Tara was sitting on her bed with fear in her eyes. I was angry and she knew it. We had long passed the days of corporal punishment with her, so there was no reaching for a paddle. The message had to be delivered in a different way.
I cannot recall what I said to her... or if I said anything at all. What I do recall is what I did. I grabbed the phone, ripped the cord out of its socket and slammed it against the ground with such force that it broke into a thousand pieces.
I must confess... I did actually think it through before I sacrificed a relatively new phone. It was a $12.87 Walmart special and so I thought it was a decent trade-off. I had an inexpensive prop to destroy with my theatrics and hopefully, I was effectively delivering a rather decisive message.
I will never forget the shock and the fear in Tara's eyes. And THAT is what has stuck with me through the years. Her eyes. Ugh! I mean, anger can be a crucial element of effectively disciplining our kids but it must be strictly under control. I feel that I stepped over the line that night... and I regret it... still.
We talk about that night on occasion and we laugh. Well... I laugh on the outside but cringe on the inside. I'm sure it bothers me much more than it bothers Tara... maybe... hopefully.
If it's any consolation, raising five kids into adulthood with only a handful of these regrets in rearing them is not a bad record. At least... this is the soothing message that I try and tell myself. I think it's true. I hope it's true.
But yeah... parenting is a tough gig!
Regrets? I've had a few...
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